You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.
– Diane Von Furstenberg
I thought life would be easy in my early 20’s but things couldn’t be more confusing.
Amidst an array of life transitions and changes, I was struck by a profound insight into the importance of self-love.
This is the story of how I learned to choose to love myself, transforming my life in profound ways.
Choosing to Love Myself Amidst Change
A lot happened in one year. I graduated from college, got engaged, and got a job in the field I wanted. I even moved to a new and beautiful city but my excitement only lasted a few months.
You see, an uncomfortable feeling settled in and I started feeling stuck and unhappy. But it just didn’t make sense because I had everything I could ever want. I sat with this feeling for a few more weeks and then I realized what was wrong. Now that I had finished school and had nothing big to worry about, I had nothing to complain about externally, I had no scapegoat to distract me from my bigger problems.
Those bigger problems had everything to do with my self-loathing attitude. I struggled to feel comfortable in my own skin, had a huge amount of insecurities, and unresolved inner conflicts that all bubbled to the surface as soon as I didn’t have something to distract myself from them.
Once I realized this, it all made sense. I realized that no matter what I achieved or had in my life I would always be in a state of lacking. I would always find a way to feel unhappy. My perception of myself is the lens through which I view my life and the world around me. My toxic attitude was rendering me incapable of seeing the beauty that was in front of me.
I knew I had to do something because if I kept living this way I would continue setting myself up for an eternal state of lacking. I would be choosing to stay the same and relinquish my right to choose what is of my life.
So I decided to choose to love myself and create a life I love. I began searching for tools and practices that would keep me on track. I envisioned a brighter future and decided to go for it.
Daily Practices to Love Yourself
The following are three daily practices that have helped me start to love myself again:
1. Replace Your Negative Self-Talk
First I started becoming aware of what I was saying to myself. I was saying things like; you’re stupid or ugly, sometimes multiple times every day. Once I knew what my thoughts looked like I could start changing them.
What helped me a lot was focusing on what I can control and what would be a constructive thought without judging myself. Whenever I thought I was stupid, I’d pause, take a deep breath, and change my language. For example, if I was struggling with a project at work it wasn’t because I was stupid but because I needed to develop a specific skill I was lacking. Once I knew that I could work on that skill and get things done.
2. Develop a Growth Mindset
One of my biggest blocks to self-love was thinking I wasn’t smart enough. Slowly shifting to the growth mindset, where I believe that my intelligence is something I change and build upon, has been hugely important. Instead of saying I can’t do something, or that I’m stupid, I say, I can’t do something …yet.
The point of the growth mindset is to believe that you’re abilities are always expandable. You can always grow as a person as long as you put in the work.
3. Let Go of Conditional Love Statements
I noticed that I would subconsciously set myself conditional statements to love myself.
For example, if I lose a few pounds, then I’ll love myself. Or, if I score an A on a test, then I’ll think I’m smart and feel proud of myself.
You can see how this is unsustainable because you’ll always find a way to set yourself conditions. Instead, I decided to let them go completely. Of course, it’s a gradual process but eventually, we’ll stop being so hard on ourselves.
I started identifying these conditional love statements and reframing my mindset to appreciate what I have now. This meant asking myself if losing those few pounds or getting an A meant I’d love myself. Not really, because like I said earlier, I’ll always find something that I can start loathing about myself. So having those things really isn’t the answer.
In conclusion, choosing to love myself has been a transformative journey.
So now I’d love to hear from you, do you struggle with self-love? If so, which one of these tips do you think will help you the most? Let me know in the comments below.
You should feel very fortunate that you have learned these important life lessons at such a young age. Good for you.
Yes I certainly do feel fortunate. Thank you.
I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. Your insights and tips are helpful to women (and men) of all ages. We all have insecurities and can benefit from the mindful and positive practices that you shared in this blog. Thank you.
it’s great to have the courage to try to find the happiness you were born to have
The first thing that you need to do is to motivate yourself, if someone else cannot do so. Reflecting the feeling of love towards yourself can greatly increase your confidence level. Also, dating someone with whom you actually feel comfortable and who appreciated your efforts is also quite important.
Thank you so much for this article. I was searching in Google some self help to detour my life. I enjoyed reading your blog.
Great article. Thank you
My contribution is to visualise yourself in the earliest situation where you felt you started the unwanted behaviour, such as comfort eating. Not to create a victim and perpetrator scenario , but to forgive ones naivity and lack of choices at that time. You may shed a tear, or rage about it but that may help your conscious, the gatekeeper to make an adjustment or allowance. Then move on. Draw a picture if that helps or write a short poem to encapsulate.