Contrary to what most people think, self-confidence is not something you can pull out of thin air. Neither can you get it from an external source, such as your credentials or material possessions.
To cultivate a genuine belief in yourself that comes from within, you’ll need to develop certain mental habits.
#1: Discipline Your Mind
John Kehoe, author of the Mind Power course, says that we have the power to dismiss or entertain any kind of thought, be it positive or negative. We often don’t realize that we have this power and as a result, we allow our minds to get filled with distracting chatter.
One of the most overlooked causes of diminished self-confidence are the negative statements we repeat to ourselves, as if it were a mantra. The next time you start thinking of self-defeating thoughts like “I’m inadequate” or “This day is going to end badly”, acknowledge what’s happening and let it pass through your system.
All it really takes is a habit of self-observation to be able to tell yourself, “There I go again” and focus on doing something about your daily challenges instead.
#2: Learn How To Decide With Ease
Another obstacle to self-confidence is doubting your ability to take the right course of action. This stems from the fear of the consequences resulting from your decisions.
You need to remember that our mind can act like a separate entity from us. In many ways, it can be our greatest enemy because it has an intimate knowledge of our weaknesses and greatest fears.
When your mind dangles these fears in front of you, it can leave you paralyzed and unable to make a sound decision.
But you have to realize that a great majority of your decisions won’t mean the end of the world. In fact, mistakes can be turned around and used as a learning experience instead.
In fact, some people are even willing to “crash and burn” (if the situation allows it) just to know what NOT to do the next time around!
In order to make the best possible decision, you just need to go by certain guidelines. For starters, you’ll need to give yourself some time to consider all the angles and pinpoint the heart of the problem before making a decision.
Once you’ve covered all the bases, then you can take the exact steps needed to carry out your decision. Don’t worry about what will happen after you’ve made your decision; instead, learn from the outcome of the results.
#3: Mind Your Self-Attitude
Too often, we go by impossibly high standards and end up HATING ourselves for not meeting them. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not advocating that you should slack off and be satisfied with being mediocre.
Being committed to excellence is ok, but hating yourself for being LESS THAN PERFECT is an entirely different matter.
Arrogance isn’t a quality that most folks aspire to have, but you shouldn’t go to the extreme opposite either. An attitude of self-depreciation and self-loathing will only serve to harm your self-confidence.
If you thought lowly of yourself, why should other people think of you any different? Be careful of the precedent you’re setting for the people around you.
The most self-confident people didn’t become who they are by being perfect. They embrace the process of making mistakes, picking themselves up and trying again.
More importantly, they don’t see themselves as victims. Self confidence comes from the knowledge that while you don’t have complete control over your circumstances, you can control your reaction to them.
Remember: you are not a slave to the events in your life, nor any other external factor for that matter.
Playing the victim won’t earn anyone’s respect; seeing yourself in such a negative light will tell others to do the same.
By treating yourself with value, you’ll learn to be happy with who you are. That’s one of the basic foundations of unshakable self-confidence.
And when you’re happy with yourself, you’ll stop apologizing for existing in this world and begin to act with genuine self-confidence. In the end, people will pick up on your positive vibe and be naturally drawn to you.
When it comes to winning people over, those qualities are far more valuable than money in the bank, the car in your garage, or the clothes on your back.
Photo by Angelo González
Really liked your post Rascall.
I had an interview yesterday and it didn’t go very well…at least in my point of view because I was not PERFECT. I was nervous and made some mistakes. but like you said, I’m dissatisfied today because I didn’t meet the standards that I put for myself.
If I remove those standards, my interview went “ok”. But still, I learned a lot from this interview. Next one should be better.
In the self-attitude section, the spectrum of arrogance to self-confidence to self-loathing is a great way to think about those attributes.
At one extreme, arrogance projects an image outwards at others that is underpinned by insecurity and the other, self-loathing, too, is in relation to insecurity and reflected internally at oneself.
While two negative don’t make a positive in personal growth, between these two negatives is the positive attribute of self-confidence. It does not seek to deceive either others or oneself and represents a middle way between those two extremes.
One of my favorite definitions of self-confidence is it is the absence of insecurity and I kept reflecting on that as I read your post.
I really like the three steps you are laying down for growing self-confidence.
You make an important point when stating that we often have a habit of feeding ourselves with negative statements, or rather our mind repeats the negative statements that it has gathered along the road from early age through adulthood.
Many of these originated from people that did not trust us. Our mind is easlly programmed, so we cannot blame it for repeating what was imprinted in it.
It may be helpful to understand that statements that people make are just opinions that tend to say more about the speakers themselves than about reality.
When a parent did not trust us doing something – he or she just showed their own fears and expectations.
Our brain has copied this behavior and tries to prevent something bad to happen. But indeed, in most cases thoughtful action proves to be better than “doing nothing”.
We should remember that doing nothing is also “doing”….
To help my clients I sometimes ask them to make a list of their trivial actions and rate them. Guess what happens. Success has a high score and so called failure turns out to be no disaster at all.
(4) Be careful how you feed your brain and psyche! Negative friends, family, television and media are like eating junk food: junk in, junk out. Feed yourself quality relationships, books, mediation, music, self-care, etc.: good in, good out! :-)
i agree and i think minding our attitude is the most important thing!
how we look and perceive affects our environment and way we respond. and indeed, playing victim ust annoys people and we create a state of helplessness for ourselves!
thanks for the article
IT IS INDEED VERY TRUE, OUR SELF CONFIDENCE DETERMINES WHAT IS IN FUTURE FOR US..LIFE IS UNCERTAIN FOR SURE..BUT WE CAN CHANGE THE WAY WE LOOK AT OUR LIFE .,,,IN THAT CASE WE ARE HAPPY AND SURROUNDINGS TOO…JUST THE WAY WE LOOK AT THINGS IS WHAT MATTERS…:)
Excellent article! I would like give you a big thanks for sharing your expertise with us. I am always looking for personal development content like this to refer to and apply to my life.
Keep on changing lives!
Best,
Stacie Walker
WomanInLeadership.com
I agree Rascall. Especially the inner dialogue that comes through our mind and into our brain. Sometimes I just observe the thoughts that come through and then I view them as something outside of myself. That way I don’t feel compelled to entertain them.
Getting rid of negative thoughts and repeating positive affirmations is a good idea to develop self-confidence. However, this one things alone won’t change you. You have to do something more – take action and face your fears. All of the things that you mentioned here are useful, but they can only support you on your journey toward killer self-confidence. The most important thing that you have to do is to face your fears. People should remember it – no “mental trick” will make you a confident person.
Too often we get caught up in our own desires. We focus too much on ourselves and not enough on the needs of other people. If you stop thinking about yourself and concentrate on the contribution you’re making to the rest of the world, you won’t worry as much about you own flaws. This will increase self confidence and allow you to contribute with maximum efficiency. The more you contribute to the world the more you’ll be rewarded with personal success and recognition.