“When you stop trying to find the right man and start becoming the right woman, the right man will find his way to you.” – Cher
Who would be your perfect spouse? Your Mr. or Mrs. Right?
I bet most of us have come up with answers to these questions, whether informally in our head or on a checklist we keep at the bottom of a desk drawer.
When I was a teenager this question of ‘Who is your Mr. Right?’ was forever turned on it’s head by an older, happily married gentleman.
He said words that I’ve never forgotten.
“Instead of asking yourself ‘who is my Mr. Right?’ you need to ask yourself ‘who are you Mrs. Right for?’ What kind of person are you? Do you have the character, outlook, and lifestyle that would be attractive to Mr. Right? If not, work to become a person that would be of the caliber of your ideal spouse.”
As a typical self involved high schooler I hadn’t ever thought of my half of the partnership equation before, but the idea of becoming Mrs. Right rang true to me.
I remember thinking of a particular person who exemplified my ideals of Mr. Right.
He was a high achiever. Independent. A person of substance.
Who would be Mrs. Right for him?
Someone strong. Someone interesting. Someone who had their stuff together.
At the time this description did not fit me. I was a sullen, reserved teenager who didn’t have a clear sense of who I was or what I wanted from life.
But I really wanted to be the type of person who caught my Mr. Right’s eye.
So I decided to start doing things a bit differently.
Instead of perfecting my wallflower look I made a point of speaking up in class and talking to new people.
I worked to become more honest and dependable.
I tried a bunch of things that I’d never done before, like volunteering with a crisis hotline, writing, and doing stand-up. Doing these new and challenging activities helped me to figure out what interested me and what I wanted to do with my life.
Overall, the guiding principle of becoming ‘Mrs. Right’ inspired me to take risks, to shoot higher, and to come out of my shell and into my own.
There’s something wonderful about finding that special someone to share your life with. The idea that I could impact the quality of a future relationship by working on myself was motivating enough to me to make big changes in my life.
And it all comes back to a few, simple questions.
Who is your Mr. or Mrs. Right?
Who would be right for them?
What are you doing to become that person?
That’s a really good way to approach finding Mr or Mrs ‘Right’. I’m wondering if you could use the same question for anything – what kind of person do I need to be to get a particular job, study a specific course, hang out with a particular social group – what do you think?
I like that idea Gina! I hadn’t thought of expanding this concept to other areas, but I’ll definitely give it a try.
Many years ago I read a wonderful article called Letters to Karen in Reader’s Digest and it suggested that you look for someone that no matter how long you know them. you will always learn something new about them. And yes after 15000 days, my partner and I still learn more about each other as we enjoy each day one day at a time
That’s so heartwarming to read Roberta- I love it!
wow… thats more than the no of days I have been alive!
Awesome post. This should not only apply for finding mister right, but self development in general.
Thanks Christmas. Glad it resonated with you!
Alright , when we find The Right man , another question arise
How to stay with him for lifetime…happily married for 35 years and still going strong… It is only our determination to becomes Right woman rather to changing our man to our expectations.
Enjoy a day
Great point Judith. It’s inspirational to read that you’ve been married for 35 years and are still in a strong relationship. Thanks for sharing your perspective!
Thanks Alison for the post! Gina’s comment got me thinking that I must keep asking what type of person is required to be the person I have written down on my list of Life Goals. Then I must keep taking actions daily to be that person, the goals will follow!
I like your idea Ade! I’m going to ask myself that same question. :)
Hi Alison, loved your post! As a psychology professor, and psychotherapist that is a question well deserved for a life quest… a 100 point question, and sadly, the answer is very elusive.
Are you both here to compliment each other? Am I complimenting my wife? are we a Yin-Yang principle thing? or are we a mirror for the other one? A mirror to learn about oneself?
I personally like to think that we are here to compliment and LEARN from each other…
Cheers, and thanks for your post!
Thanks Carlos!
When I wrote this post I was thinking about generally becoming the best type of person I could be. I think you’re asking about how to become the best type of person in a relationship, which is another excellent angle to think about.
I don’t have a pat answer to that, but I think just asking the question ‘How could I be a better partner?’ every now and again could yield some good answers.
I am practising life affirming philosophy of Budhist Nichiren Daishonin from 12 century and learning from Lotus sutra how to improve myself and to be happy what’s wher obstacle comming my way.
Australian soka Gakkai offers this practise to each individual who want today truly happy life
I hadn’t heard of that specific philosophy before Judith, but I’m glad it’s proving to be helpful to you!
Wow-now there is a great question to get a teenage girl thinking! I love how this question resonated with you, and especially how it moved you to action. It is important to stay true to your core values in this process, though.
That’s a great point Kim. When I was reading the comments with reader’s takes on other questions, like ‘what I kind of person would I need to be to join that group’, I had the same thought. Y
ou’d only want to work to become that person if it was in alignment with your values. If not, find a better group!
Wow, Alison. I really admire your tenacity at such a young age! Who would listen to an older gentleman as a teenager? I know I didn’t. I suppose I am just lucky that my husband and I found other people at happy hour rather boring and gravitated toward each other and the lovely conversations we still have after 15 years of marriage.
I think bringing your own _______ (intellect, motivation, priorities, etc.) to a relationship is extremely important. You can’t enter and say, What do you have to offer me? I think we have to be happy with ourselves first. Great post!
Thanks Tammy! I love hearing that you and your husband are still going strong. :) Inspiring!
Hi Alison ~
Thank you for sharing these wonderful words of wisdom learned at such a young age and so true today.
Neil
You’re welcome! Thanks for your kind words Neil. :)
Great post Alison. The more work I’ve done on myself the clearer I have gotten on what’s important to me. Mr. right became someone who aligned with my values. I was in a position to bring a lot to the table once the relationship started. Things shifted at lightening speed once I did the work. I met the right partner. We have been together, perfectly matched, for over 8 years. Noe I get to help others do the same.
Aww, that’s a wonderful story Brian!
By my early 20’s, I realized that I needed to know I could take care of myself independently before anybody could be Mr. Right. I found him 32 years ago—someone with whom I had been “just friends” for 10 years before that. Throughout our marriage and raising two sons, every once in a while, I would check in with myself to make sure I still believed that. He knows I’m still by his side because I want to be—not because I have to be.
“He knows I’m still by his side because I want to be—not because I have to be.”
Love that Suzanne! Thanks for sharing your story.
Wow, this article hits pretty close to home. The timing could not have been more aligned with my situation. Reading it makes me happy because it gives me a new purpective and even hope, however, it also makes me sad, because I am not a teenage girl with all the time in the world to become whole. Thank you for this article.
Exactly right! This is what I have been trying to promote to “2nd” time around singles as well. Thanks for such a great take on this.