Relationships & Love

Under-Promise and Over-Deliver

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over-deliver

I hate car shopping. I’m one of those people who will wait until my car is more rust than machine before trading it in. It’s not that I hate new cars. I will just do anything to avoid the car salesman pitch: Buy this car now! It’s the best deal on the lot! Hurry! It could be gone tomorrow! I know it’s part of the car-buying dance, but honestly, I’d rather sit this one out.

The vast majority of marketing we encounter is overblown. Everyone claims to be the best, whether it’s your real estate agent down to your toothpaste provider. We’ve become jaded to the promises we’ve heard through advertising, to the point where many of us actively block it whenever possible. I mean, Super Bowl aside, who gets pumped about watching ads?

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Get Connected and Change Your Life

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Have you ever had the experience of doing something better in a group than you would have by yourself? Have you ever wondered why you stick to a goal with more determination when you’ve announced it to a group of people or, better still, worked toward that goal with those who share your interest and commitment?

Human beings are social animals. We are driven to connect with others, moving beyond our first-tier relationships with members of our family. Most of us yearn for and seek social affiliations throughout our lives, and when we find or create opportunities that allow for meaningful connections, we often maximize our potential and have brighter, more successful outcomes.

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NLP: A New Way of Thinking About Your Relationships

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NLP - relationships

In the last article, we saw that excellence in any field can be studied and copied, and that NLP (neurolinguistic programming) is a well established and effective way of doing this. Success in any area – be it career, family, business, politics or anything else – is largely a matter of building relationships. People who are able to develop and maintain good, mutually productive relationships with other people tend to be much more successful than those who don’t do this.

Building good relationships does come more easily to some people, but it is a skill that can be developed, and NLP offers a number of perspectives and tools to enable you to do so.

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How to Help Others Cope with Change

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Cope With Change

When I moved away to college, I had the trunk space of a Dodge Colt to hold all of my worldly possessions. I took a few suitcases of clothes, a box of childhood stuffed animals, and a hand-me-down TV. Both of my older sisters had lugged that ancient 13″ TV to their college dorm rooms, and they were passing it on to me. I remember staring down unconvinced at that beaten up black box and saying, “Do I really need this?”

“Yes, you need it,” my sister told me, shutting the trunk of the car. “Trust me.”

Turns out she was right. That TV became a focal point of how I dealt with living on my own for the first time. I watched the same news my mom watched every morning, which staved off homesickness. My room became a hub for Friday night movie parties on my dorm floor. When my college boyfriend broke up with me, I bought an old video game system and whiled away many lonely hours as I got over him. My sisters had not just given me a TV, they had given me a coping mechanism for a transitional period in my life.

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Weeding out Toxic Relationships

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Part of my own journey toward change has involved recognizing that the power to change lies within myself, and I can’t place blame on any other person for what I choose to do with my life or choose not to do with my life. That being said, my own experience has also shown that the people I surround myself with play a major role in supporting me in my desire to change, accepting the person that I am or dragging me back toward the person that I used to be.

I write this to discuss the types of people we may have to weed out of our lives if we want to move forward in a positive direction. Keep in mind that I’m not discussing all difficult relationships; some challenging relationships are well worth keeping. I’m specifically discussing toxic relationships, which are characterized by the following:

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Getting Loved Ones to Understand Your Decisions

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talk

When my husband (then-boyfriend) and I first started dating, we really hit it off. It took less than a month for us to spend all of our time together. Before long, we had two sets of everything : one for his apartment and one for mine. Then his apartment lease came up, and we decided to move in together. We were eager to take this next step in our relationship.

Having grown up in a conservative household, my boyfriend knew his parents would not approve. He decided to write an email to his folks explaining his decision to move in with me. He took an afternoon off to write it down and didn’t show it to me until after he sent it. When I did read it, I nearly fell out of my chair. It started, “Mom, Dad, I love Deborah, and I don’t care what you think. We’ve moved in together.” The email continued to get more aggressive in tone, ending in the ultimatum, “You will respect her when you meet her next month.”

That’s right. Worse than the email itself, I had never met his parents. Needless to say, when I shook their hands at the airport, I felt like the harlot who had stolen their little boy’s innocence.

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Forgiving Yourself

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forgiving yourself

I am a critic. To some degree, we all are. We criticize our co-workers when they do a bad job. We get upset when our friends don’t come to our aid. We lament that our family doesn’t understand who we have become. It can be particularly hard to forgive someone else if they have done a terrible wrong against you. Relationships suffer, loneliness ensues, and it takes a lot of time to heal these wounds.

But even harder than forgiving someone else, we struggle to forgive ourselves.

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How to Build a Real Network (Not a List of Strangers)

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online network

In this digital age, we are obsessed with networks. We want to keep in touch with our 3rd grade friends, so we check their Facebook profiles. When we meet new people, we greedily gather their contact information and store them at LinkedIn. Even our mothers love networks, if the sheer amount of forwarded spam email is any indication. Information hording makes us feel like we are part of something bigger, that we have a network of support we can leverage at any time.

Unfortunately, that might not be true. You could have 1,000 friends and not have even a mediocre network. Like all relationships, you need to work at maintaining them in order to get anything from them. If you decide to friend everyone you know and never talk to them, you don’t have a network. You have a list of strangers.

Networks rely on real communication, the kind of bonds that keep us interested in each others’ lives. It may seem like a daunting task, but you can engage in real communication every day with your network. Doing so not only makes you part of the network, but builds relationships over time you can turn to in times of need.

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Using Mind Control With Difficult People

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Have you ever wanted to have the power to control minds? I know that I often think to myself: “Life would be so much easier if everyone would just listen to me and do what I tell them.” I doubt that I’m the only one who’s ever thought this way.

We often find ourselves trying to change others. Trying to change what they do, what they say and even how they say it. Fundamentally, we are trying to change how they treat us.

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Throw Away Your Labels and Accept Change in Others

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change in others

The hardest part about change isn’t that it happens to you. Of course it happens to you. You remember how breaking up with that guy made you see life from a different perspective. How quitting your job made you learn a new skill. You are a constantly evolving person and, for better or worse, you have learned to cope with change all throughout your life.

But do you realize change happens to those around you too?

Before you say “yes,” consider this anecdote from my childhood. I grew up in a family with six children. Separated from oldest to youngest by 13 years, you can imagine that we had a wide variety of personalities amongst the siblings. My oldest sister was the Care Giver. My brother, the Logical Scientist. Me, the Dreamer. My younger sister, the Lazy Genius. My youngest sister, the Hard Worker.

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