The power of the alarm clock is remarkable and the level of irritation it can induce is astonishing. We all know that feeling; fast asleep on a cold Monday morning when the alarm clock deity plays the excruciating five-minute snooze game with us. Many of us overcome this lethargy and get up to start the day. It’s not easy, but we don’t have a choice. Whether it be a job, or school, or some other obligation, it is essential for us to defeat the obstacle of the alarm clock.
But for many years of my life I lost that battle on a daily basis.
It wasn’t for a lack of discipline nor a lack of ability, but rather, a complete dismantling of my ability to function as a human being, and this was only a symptom of a much larger affliction.
Waking up became extremely difficult. When you have nothing; when there is no one you care about and nothing to strive for in your life, getting out of bed is one of the most infuriating things to undertake. Often I would give up that battle before it even started and simply not go to school. I would say that I was ill and that would be that. After I began to fake sickness, I started to actually become sick on a very frequent basis. During one winter at my worst, I probably missed 12-15 days of school. I wholeheartedly believe that the difference between the days I was actually sick and the days I pretended to be sick was slim to none. My mind was so twisted beyond recognition at this point that my mental instability was having a physical effect.
The affliction I speak of is depression, a vile sickness that none are truly immune to. Powerful in its grip and elusive in its identification, depression is different in the sense that it is very difficult to fight. There is no cure; no vaccine or antibiotic that will make it go away. Sure there are medications, but the thing about depression is that ultimately you cannot be happy unless you choose to be. No amount of medication or external intervention can force that choice. I will explain more about my personal depression as I progress, but for now that is an adequate taste of the extent of its hold.
This story begins in seventh grade for me. There are a million roots to the problems I had, but the most identifiable came on the last day of summer before my seventh grade year. I wasn’t a very social kid to begin with and I spent a lot of time with my dogs, Luke and Ruby, a beautiful English foxhound and a Beagle. I loved those dogs more than anything in the world.
It happened early on a Monday morning (absolutely no happy story has ever started like this). It was late enough in the morning for me to have reached that stage of semi-consciousness but far too early to be fully awake, and I was still in bed trying to catch a few last minute Z’s. Outside my door I heard continuous scratching on the floor that lasted for several minutes.
I told him to shut up. That’s what I said to my dog; “shut up I’m trying to sleep.” Whether I should or should not feel guilt for this, I do not know. But I do.
“Oh God, he’s having a seizure,” my mom said as she walked up the stairs.
I think deciphering what went through my brain in that moment is virtually impossible. The sense of dread was overpowering, and I bolted out of bed. We rushed to the animal hospital and after hours of confusion and anxiety, our fears were validated; he had to be put down.
For whatever reason, I didn’t cry until later. I remember looking into Luke’s eyes as they laid him on the table. They were milky and faded, and it was at that moment that I knew I could never have my friend back. I looked into his eyes while they injected him with death, and he looked into mine as I held his paw. I felt the life slip from my companion and watched as his last breath left his body.
Something changed in that moment. I think it woke me up a bit. Up until that point I had never really had anything bad happen to me. I lived the peaceful but ignorant life of a child. In that moment, though, I realized that life was imperfect…and that specific thought would haunt my mind for years to come.
Looking back at the two weeks that followed I can almost laugh. There’s really nothing else to do as I think about how impeccable the timing was. About ten days after I lost Luke, I was sitting in the hospital.
The walls were white. A lot of people consider white to be a peaceful, soothing color. However, this white was anything but peaceful or soothing. This white filled my brain like old, rotten milk; thick and viscous. The walls mocked me – taunted me. They left me unable to think, unable to process the words that had just been uttered.
I had been diagnosed with a kidney condition which prohibited me from playing contact sports (I was in love with the sport of football and played for my school’s team). Moreover (as I was just a twelve year old kid and entering that stage where drama was huge), it sounded to me like I was going to die an early death. I thought my life was going to end in less than a decade. Those two events in a few weeks are a lot to put on a twelve year old’s shoulders.
My progression into depression wasn’t instant, however. In fact, I wouldn’t say I was “depressed” for a long time after that. But these events set the stage for my great act. It was gradual, but after those things happened, I stopped talking to people as much. I stopped socializing slowly, but deliberately. I lost interest in the remaining sports I had to play and the other things that I loved. As I became more and more isolated and idle, I started to feel what I call real depression. It was no longer the sadness of a death or diagnosis but rather a deep set pain.
At first, it went away after a bit, and I returned to some sense of normalcy, but then, it always came back. Slowly the time I spent depressed increased until for months at a time I was stuck. It cycled to the point where even when I was not depressed, my mind was on depression because I knew, I could feel that it was coming back. I began to live in fear of my lack of ability to control my own emotions.
I remember sitting down on my mother’s bed one late afternoon after a night of staring at my wall and sleeping. She looked at me, confused, uncertain of why I had ventured from my room. I spoke softly, as if speaking the words too loud would force me to acknowledge their existence.
“Mom, I need help.”
There it was: the light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone always says that admitting the problem is the hardest part. I had done just that, so I was good, right?
We found a therapist and I began seeing him on a weekly basis. We worked on a lot of things, and I could tell he was trying.
Winter was coming. The weather grew colder and the days darker. Despite the therapy, I was not improving. I heard what he was saying, I did, but even though I had asked for help I didn’t want help. I am still surprised that I asked my mother for a therapist; it was so out of character and bizarre. Yet, I think the reason I asked was because some part of me knew I needed help. Though, in my mind, seeing the therapist quickly became a total waste of time.
During this winter socializing became completely nonexistent. I stopped talking to anyone unless it was absolutely unavoidable. I had created massive circle around myself and constructed a wall to keep everyone out.
At this time my parents began arguing as well. It was quiet at first; not in the sense that the volume was low but rather that it was almost invisible to me. I know now that they tried so very hard to keep the arguments hidden from my sister (who was four at the time) and me. Unfortunately, it could not be concealed forever, and I began to notice as it became more frequent and more severe. It weighed heavily on me and I felt helpless to stop their conflict. Often if I was anywhere near the vicinity of the conflict they would finish their quarrel and then one or both would turn on me and I would become the target of their anger. As the frequency accelerated, I became more and more callous to it and quickly stopped caring completely, at least consciously. I don’t blame them for the difficulties, times were hard for everyone, and I was not the only member of my family depressed. I certainly did not make many positive contributions to the dynamic during this time either.
Some part of me would not give up though – something inside me would not surrender. I was never the type to give up easily, and even though life was proving to overwhelm me, I still hung in there. I had this expectation that if I could only get through the winter; if I could only make it to spring, then everything would be alright. I could get through this depression if I just made it to the spring.
This part of the story is probably the hardest for me; not because I had a terrible time, but rather, I had such amazing opportunities presented to me and I did not fully take advantage of them.
Alright. I love American football. Oh god, I love American football (I believe I mentioned this earlier). That sport, for whatever reason, is simply riveting to me. I am extremely attached to the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Green Bay Packers and love both teams with a passion. It just so happened that as a joke my father had promised me that if the Steelers and the Packers ever made it to a Super Bowl against each other, then we would go. The odds of that happening were unbelievably slim, so I never entertained it as an actual possibility.
But then they met in the Super Bowl in 2011. When my dad told me that we were going to the game in Dallas, I was shocked. That moment is probably the closest I had come to actual happiness in over a year. We went to the game, I had a great time. Then we got back home and it was like I had hit a brick wall going a hundred miles an hour. I fell right back into depression the moment I got back and this time it was far worse than usual.
Spring break was fast approaching at this point and I was going to France for two weeks. I didn’t want to go. Can you believe that? I didn’t want to go. Initially I did, but that desire quickly faded as my depression worsened. I told my parents so many times that I wanted to stay back, but they decided that I had to stick with the decision to go; so I went.
It was a lot of fun. I met a lot of really cool people, though in a lot of cases my social anxiety kept me from truly getting to know anyone. Again, I went home after this wonderful trip.
By everything I mean whatever bit of mental stability I had left. The expectation that making it to spring would make things better had been crushed. I look at it as if for a long time I was playing this game with depression. I knew I was pretty good at masking how depleted I was mentally and emotionally though I didn’t have many people to mask it from. I fought it for a long time as well. I tried to overcome, but depression is just not something that I could have beaten by myself, and at that time I would not accept help from anyone.
I became suicidal. I lost complete control of my emotions and of my mind. It is very difficult to describe what I felt in that time, but it was something along the lines of utter hatred for the world. I despised everything and everyone and blamed everyone but myself for the dysfunction of my life. My thoughts were toxic and hateful toward myself and anyone I came in contact with. My mind spun out of control, constantly dipping back to the thought that I simply wanted it all to end.
And then there was the sadness; the overwhelming sense that I had nothing; no friends, no interests, no strong qualities or skills. I felt like a pile of waste. Days were spent on autopilot and nights in tears.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to end it. In a final act of despair and anger I tried to end my own life. I won’t go too much into detail here, but I ended up in the Emergency Room and then later on in a mental hospital. I got out and went home on shaky ground and spent the next two months walking on a tightrope.
And then everything changed.
I knew that something was off the moment they told me that we were going to California. It was a bizarre trip; the kind that you ask for as a joke and then it fades due to impracticality. But for some reason they had decided to take me out to Cali and I knew something was wrong. We spent four days there and they were relatively enjoyable, but something was off the entire time. Then we went to board the plane back home, only it wasn’t going home. It was to Vegas. They told me we were only checking out some camp and that if I didn’t like it I didn’t have to go.
We got there after a long drive to Utah and they told me to leave my wallet and phone in the car. For half a second I wondered why, and then it hit me like a hammer to the face. We weren’t checking out the camp…they were dropping me off.
Alas! I had been betrayed and I was pissed. I said some really mean things to my parents which do not need to be repeated and then I was off, whisked away to the wilderness.
Depression reared its ugly head in those first two weeks. I could not leave; this was a therapeutic wilderness program, and we were in the middle of the desert. We hiked 3-10 miles daily, carried forty pound packs with all of our supplies, and had to learn different wilderness skills (like making fire with a bowdrill kit, carving, and navigation among other things). But most important was the overwhelming sense of my own mind. There was no technology – no distractions. All I had for many parts of the day was my own mind and nothing else. It was torture, but in the end I had to come to terms with my own mind. I had to face my depression or I would literally go insane out there.
It was here that I was aware of two choices. I could stick with depression and probably never get out of it, or I could start moving forward and begin living my life. It seems like such a simple choice…
I chose to stick with depression.
I remember one afternoon at the end of my second week, I had a staff come and sit with me on this bright blue tarp. I had just refused to hike anymore and said that I was done with this program. I would no longer comply. I had isolated myself on this tarp under a juniper tree and basically built a mental wall around my area broadcasting that I didn’t want anyone to come near me.
Yet, this man decided to come and venture into my mental abyss.
“Hey,” he said, sitting down beside me.
I literally looked up and glared at him and then put my head back down.
“I know this is difficult,” he said quietly. “Life’s not easy.”
“Really?” I responded sardonically. “I hate it. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m done hiking. I’m done with everything.”
“Sometimes it’s not about what you want to do. You can’t just give up when things get difficult – you’ll never be able to grow as a person that way. Life will never be perfect. You do the best you can with what you’ve got.”
Life will never be perfect. These words hit me like a freight train. Such an obvious message. Such simple meaning. These words are what changed my life. Up until this point I had felt entitled to happiness. I felt like I had suffered so much that I just deserved to be happy all the time, when in reality, that is not practical. Life will never be perfect, but that just makes the good times all that much more important. It means instead of spending my happy moments dreading the bad moments (like I had been), I needed to enjoy the good moments. I needed to be in the moment. I needed to live my life rather than just exist.
Life will never be perfect. I had plenty of time to think about those words as thinking was what I spent most of my time doing out there. I decided to finish out this hike, we had travelled about five miles, and I had no idea how far we had left.
Call it coincidence. Call it fate. Call it God. Whatever. It just so happened that about a mile past my tantrum point we arrived at the end of a long valley with mountains on three sides of us (leaving the only path to take behind us).
“That’s not supposed to be there,” one of the counselors said, indicating to the near-vertical wall of rock in front of us, “guess we’re going over!”
I looked at him. I looked at the mountain before me. I looked at him again. He was serious. Despite my fear, despite a lack of motivation, despite an utter hatred for hiking, I made a decision in that moment. I was going to climb this mountain. It was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. The mountain face was almost a straight drop and reaching the top involved jumping to a few ledges, climbing roots, and boosting each other. I was terrified. I didn’t think we would make it, but somehow we did.
When we reached the top, I stopped and my jaw dropped. The view was the most beautiful thing I had seen in my life. We were peering over the edge of the world and could see way off into the distance. Far across the desert we saw a flash of light, then another, and another. A thunderstorm was raging off far away, so far, in fact, that we could not hear the thunder following the strikes of lightning. Yet, standing there, watching this stunning event take place in front of me, I thought, maybe I can do this. Maybe a better life wasn’t as far away as I thought it was.
The path did not end there. For over a year after I left the deserts of Utah I was still in pretty intensive therapy. Today I am thriving as I make my way through life with a new perspective. I no longer dwell on the past, nor do I spend all of my time wishing for the things I don’t have. I live my moments, every one of them, to their fullest and strive to improve myself every day. It’s been years since I left treatment and honestly, I have no regrets. I do not live regretting the way things happened and actually feel that I am much stronger today because of the adventure I’ve been on.
It is not easy to overcome such darkness. So many people today are trapped in that mindset, within a cage that they constructed for themselves. Not everyone can walk out into the deserts of Utah and have an experience like I did. I was lucky. But for those who are stuck, know this; no path needs to be walked alone. Some people in this world are bad people, but many others are not, and that is what life is about; finding the people that make your life enjoyable and surrounding yourself with them. Then ask them for help; good friends will be there for you. You can change your mindset. I am living proof that no matter how deep of a hole you dig for yourself, it is escapable if you get help. All you have to do is choose that you want to be happy and then work toward that goal.
After all, when it comes down to it, that’s all any of us really have in the end. Our own thoughts, feelings, and the people in our lives really define us as human beings. So who do you want to be?
Photo by Asaf Antman
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29 thoughts on “The Journey that Defeated Depression”
I want to thank you for sharing your battle with depression. I think you described it perfectly. It seems I’ve struggled with the big D for most of my life and I’ve blamed it for causing my first marriage to fail. Sadly those that have never experienced it don’t have a real clue how debilitating it is. I’m glad you found your way back and could share it with us here today.
Thank you! Your words mean a lot! Good luck my friend.
I have been battling depression after an abusive marriage and have been frequently in therapy. Although I do feel much better these days, I seem to have lost all interest in socializing – even speaking to friends. I feel like I am just depressing their otherwise happy lives. Do people really get second time lucky?
This is a post that I wrote an year back to keep myself on track of happiness. Please do go through it and let me what you think.
Practical Ways to Happiness
Thanks for sharing this article, it is damn good! I like it very much. This is a helpful article, depression may affect badly on your life. For this, depression relief is important but for this you have to read all detailed info about depression treatment. You may get here all required information: http://blog.serelax.com/depression-treatment.html
David, I think that what strikes me most about your story is how in depth you go – starting back with the moment you lost your dog and including many of the events of your life. So often we hear that choosing to live is a choice and you are living proof that it works. I hope your message reaches many people who have or who are feeling as you once did.
The moment that you climbed up the rock mountain was written so vividly. Just beautiful.
Thanks! I’m glad I could touch someone with my words, the battle is a seemingly impossible one and hopefully people will see that there is hope, it’s just hidden away. :)
Your essay was so raw and honest. Thank you; it had to have taken an enormous amount of energy and solitude to churn that out. I know that place. There were times I was so catatonic with depression that if my house was on fire I don’t think I would’ve been able to get up and leave. I am really thankful that you have found your way. Thank you for sharing your story. It says so much about your courage.
I don’t consider it courageous, haha, but rather that there are a ton of people out there struggling and I no longer am. I found my way to a better life, so I feel it is my obligation to help others onto that path as well.
Anyway, glad you enjoyed and Merry Christmas! :)
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Now, I finally understand that I have been mildly depressed ALL of my life. It has explained the choices or rather the lack of choices that I made/missed for so many years.
I say mildly because it only seemed that Winter was when I really noticed that I was depressed, dull, lethargic, dis-interested in family, friends and life. I was fortunate to never experience constant sadness and always found something to retreat into that raised my spirits.
I can now understand the path of my life without regret. Each day as I read new emails from a few trusted blogs I have moments of happiness and inspiration from the stories of others. I am learning to appreciate the abundance that I have, not the things that I do not have.
I might even become motivated to do something meaningful for others. I would like to have days where I am eager to get out of bed and go do something exciting. Your story tells me to just do it, push on through, keep moving and things will change. There is hope.
Awesome! Great to hear about your revelation, I’m glad you’ve come to realize the battle needs to be fought, and not just run from. Well done, my friend, congratulations, and good luck! Live to live, not to survive! :)
I was so wrapped up in telling my story (previous item) that I forgot to say how much I appreciated how well written, thorough and from the heart your story was. I am happy that you were able to share it with us at this time of year.
So often we ignore the people around us who remain silent and withdrawn instead of sharing a smile and friendly comment. We do not realize the internal struggles that they might be wrestling with. I resolve to be more attentive and sharing.
Your story reminds me that there is so much beauty in this world to be experienced if we will only make the effort to get there and see it.
Again, thank you.
Oh wow. This brought back the memories of my depression and when I came out of it. It was like a constant feeling of hate, hopelessness and dread. One day I just decided I would do anything to end it. I wrote in a book, diary-fashion, about how I overcame my depression. And after that I just felt okay. And okay felt like a miracle.
Thankyou for sharing. I have not experienced true depression in life and have tried to understand what it is .The clarity of your story really has been the first time I have some real understanding of it. Your tale of overcoming the difficult mountain climb to arrive at a place of unimaginable emotion and beauty describes what life is all about!
Thank you for reminding us that life is not always perfect.
I wish you all the best that you have to offer to yourself!
This was a profound post, David…and it was also extremely well written. You paint the picture extraordinarily well. As someone who has worked with the teens the better part of the past 20 years, I enjoy your spirit. Keep up the great work!
David you are a true warrior , To see both sides of the emotional spectrum will give you a great ability to reach into dark places and help people who need the light of hope. Work that expresses what it is to be human is great work. Thank you so much for being a brave artist.
I live in Hawaii , here the people try to live very close to the land because it is well understood without the help of the world around us we can not exist. If the earth wasn’t here to produce food , medicine and shelter there would be no life. If our ancestors would not have gone through great struggle we could not live in such ease as we do now. Without a healthy world for our grandchildren all the efforts of thousands of years of human history are meaningless.
The acknowledgment that we have a role of protector towards our planet and our people help’s us to understand that indeed we each have tremendous purpose. In service we find our unique purpose. There is only one you on earth , you are part of a unique family history, In a unique community setting, your unique viewpoint can help better all those people in your environment. Inspire enough of them there you may reach out to the wider world.
I look forward to reading more of your work and I truly believe you can lend a lot of first hand research into this bizarre subject that is more prevalent now than ever in human history.
I raise these last question’s because without the right questions we wont get the right answers.
When in our history has man been so disconnected from the earth he lives on, the food he eats , so disconnected from the ways of his ancestors.
I believe man longs for balance just as the planet longs for balance. How can we understand the mind of our ancestors, and how can we bridge the gap in modern society?
God bless and Aloha
ps: If you are ever in Maui look me up, I would love to talk story.
I love the questions you asked because I believe they feed right into the main source of this complex problem. Disconnection is a huge problem, especially for people facing these demons. It is so easy to do today because it takes minimal effort to make the appearance that one is “connected” with all of the social media we have, when in reality using this stuff is still basically isolation. Technology has brought us closer in a lot of ways, but still it has distanced the individuals on the planet in my opinion. That is not to say that it is a bad thing, but it is a very interesting conundrum.
I also find the Hawaiian mindset to be a very strong one. I thank you for sharing that with me, and I think that is something I could do even more in my own life as far as staying true to my ancestors and being more thankful to the world that has provided me everything I have.
Thanks for the comment!
Thanks so much for taking the time to write such a personal story! I have been battling with the “D” word for many years and your words have provided clarity and make a great deal of sense to me.
Best of luck and Thank you.
Good luck to you as well! Thanks for the comment!
Firstly, thank you for sharing your story.
I have dealt with deep, deep clinical depression almost my entire life (I remember the firs time consciously recognizing the feeling when i was about 4 years old). You describe so well what it feels like, and it’s heartening to read your acknowledgement that nothing will be perfect, and that not everyone will have a ‘cure’ so to speak.
I also have worked very hard with myself, through therapy, my own thoughts, and with wonderful friends who truly listen. I have learned so much and live so much fuller now. I don’t think I will ever be ‘cured’ of this clinical depression though. I’m glad you acknowledge it, and I think it’s important that it’s acknowledged. Now, in my early thirties, I have some good days and some days that are quite terrible. Sometimes it’s weeks, sometimes even months. But what has happened, is that I have learned to grow and live better/calmer/stronger/wiser, and it’s so important that people know that this is more often the reality than not; there is rarely a magic cure, but there IS hope!!
Thank you :)
Thank you very much for sharing your story with the world. It touches a soft spot in my heart and I’m being speechless now. Regardless, thank you so, so much for your courage to share your story and inspire others.
Thank you – David, for sharing your story with us. I wish I had read something like this several years ago, when I wasn’t yet so deep in this. I come back here and read stories hoping that a new view-point can suddenly make me want to live again. Of course it doesn’t help because I don’t have anything to live for. By 22 I had already studied 5 years at uni. I was ambitious and I had plans. I was soon going to graduate in social work, and then during the fall I fell… I fell so hard and so deep into depression… and I haven’t got back since then. I’m now 25 and I have been lying in my bed for several years now. I can’t manage the basics, so I have a housing assistant these days. Only today when I took a walk (the first walk for a long time) I wanted to stop at the rail road track and lie down there. I don’t even consider myself to be suicidal, yet I struggle with it daily. I just stopped with all my meds, because I thought that maybe I would be better off without them. I am not better, but not worse either. Sorry for sharing this low-life-story.
I hope that David doesn’t mind me butting in here! But I received a notification of your comment, read it and had to reply.
It takes a lot of courage to write what you just wrote. Celebrate that.
I know nothing of your story but you are precious, you are unique and you are here to make a difference.
Most of us here feel the same way but I think I now realize that this feeling passes. WHen I am low, I tell myself that this phase will last a week and then ill feel better. I do not know if it happens with you, but for most depressed people the depression comes in waves – days of despair followed by time of calm. When u are in the low phase of this depression, just wait for the tide to pass. It helps me immensly. From a cycle of depressed 5 days to calm day of 2 days, I have now tranisitioned to about 2.5 days each. It is slow but it works.
Good luck and wish this new year brings you everything you want!! :-)
My Diary Of Abuse
I do not stay in a “funk” or depressed mood for long. When I feel down, lonely I look around me and just notice how much I have to be thankful for. I have a roof over my head, a family who loves me, people who care about me, disease free body and spiritual confidence. I do not dwell on my past or present, future situations I can not control. I set my sights on being positive and grateful. I work as an Emergency RN and see many different life affecting situations. When I do feel sadden I take a time out and remember I am here to help others and to ease pain and suffering, if only for a couple of hours, I very rarely feel selfish that I deserve something over another person. I guess what I am trying to spell out is: only I can be happy, regardless of what the environment I am in expresses. I take full responsibility for my actions, reactions, thoughts and expressions towards others. I guess I am a strange man in today’s society.
You are lucky you do not have clinical depression, which is when you DO stay in a “funk” for extended period of time, and it often feels uncontrollable and hopeless without extensive, deep and life long work, or just accepting it and letting it pass.
I don’t think you are strange. You are a healthy person with a wise mind. That is beautiful.
You are lucky you do not have clinical depression, which is when you DO stay in a “funk” for extended period of time, and it often feels uncontrollable (meaning simply thinking positive thoughts and seeing the bright side will not end the pain and depression) and hopeless without extensive, deep and life long work, or just accepting it and letting it pass.
I don’t think you are strange. You are a healthy person with a wise mind. That is beautiful.
This story has a lot of the same elements as mine, and I can agree, often the only way out of depression is to lose everything and start fresh with a new mindset. I have a really interesting story to tell. How can I get involved sharing it like you have on the Change Blog?
Send me an email. It’s peter [at] thechangeblog.com.
Knowing the experiences you went through are very harsh, but we all go through tough times and we either learn from those experiences or we are stuck in those moments. I’m glad to know that you were able to overcome your depression and well I’ve had my dark moments, but I know there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for sharing…