I knew my first marriage would be a disaster, but I went through with it anyway.
I tend to analyze things. It comes with the territory of being a project manager. So when it came to marriage, I thought about it like a logic problem. How compatible are we? Would I be happiest with him? What if I never found anyone else? The scenarios rolled in my mind, and I even wrote a pro and con list of why we should be together. Ultimately, I decided getting married to someone I had been dating for 6 years was a safe bet.
If this approach seems a little off to you, you’re on the right track. There are two basic approaches to problem solving. Analysis is one way to look at a problem. Let’s say my primary doctor had retired and I needed to get a new one. If I had used the questions above on compatibility, happiness, and worst case scenarios, I probably would have found a decent doctor.
Analysis works great when a decision has few emotional attachments and low risk. In choosing a doctor, you can always get a second opinion or just shop around for recommendations before settling on a new doctor. Business decisions are often the same way – you have a limited amount of time to choose a vendor, so you go with the one who’s the cheapest or the fastest or the most recommended. If you get burned today, you can always change tomorrow. It’s irritating when you choose poorly, but not devastating.
Strict analysis often fails when it comes to emotional decisions, such as when to get married. I found out the hard way that a pro/con list doesn’t come close to capturing the essence of a relationship. There were a million reasons to marry him – we had traveled the world together, we had similar interests, we wanted similar things out of life. The con list was fairly short and easy to dismiss. We fought a lot, but couples fight sometimes, yeah? We didn’t value the same things about people, but who cares if we don’t like each other’s friends, right?
The truth is, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache by ditching the whole analysis thing and focused on the second way to look at a problem – listen to your gut.
Your gut isn’t always a voice, a concrete thought, or an action, but you know it when you feel it. My gut was screaming at me to listen to it. It was the way I refused to change my last name to his, something I had actually looked forward to growing up. It was the sinking in my stomach whenever I saw his number come up on my phone. It was the way I skirted the question “Do you love him?” for over 5 minutes with a marriage counselor. I knew marrying him was not the right thing, but I couldn’t let go of all that analysis that said, “You’ve invested the time, you’re not getting any younger, you need to do this.”
So now I know about analysis versus listening to my gut. Most of the time, I still use analysis to get things done. If I only listened to my gut, I’d eat a lot more cake and exercise a lot less. But for those big emotional decisions, my gut gets the big veto vote on anything that analysis might say otherwise. Since forging this alliance, my gut has gotten me through a tough divorce and some hard financial times. When logic fails, that inner feeling somehow always prevails and gets me through, safe and sound to the other side.
How do I know I made the right decision when I use my gut? It’s subjective, I suppose. But when I see my current husband asleep on the pillow next to me, I have no problem answering the question, “Do you love him?”
Photo by Modern Dope
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16 thoughts on “Listen to Your Gut”
The other thing to consider is that time is not static. What seems like a safe bet / good decision / great gut feeling TODAY may not fit those same criteria a year from now, or five years from now.
As we learn, grow and evolve we need to constantly be checking in with our gut to see if the decisions that served us THEN still serve us NOW. The real trick is having the courage to make the tough decisions to get back into alignment when we notice that we are out of sync with our gut feelings.
Very good point, Patrick. Life decisions are rarely a static thing, and what is good for you today might not be good tomorrow. Checking back in now and again on those big decisions are a great way to make sure your gut decisions evolve as you do.
I liken my gut to intuition and have always checked in with it since I was a kid. The body never lies, it doesn’t know how to.
It is amazing how you just “know.” When it’s right, it works, no matter what analysis might say.
Gut, intuition, unknown feeling…..there’s something to it & it’s rarely wrong. Thank you.
be good to yourself
Thanks, David. I will try to be good to myself and I wish the best to you too.
I did the same thing, and 3 years later going through a divorce. Its hard to rebuild that trust in yourself, when you second-guessed or denied its existence but slowly I will get there. I just wish I could tell others without them thinking I was raining on their parade. When you know better you do better. Great article.
You can rebuild that trust in yourself. It can be a slow process, but also very rewarding. I know from experience. It comes from knowing you learned from your previous mistake (even if that mistake caused you a lot of heartache) and that you can survive tough experiences, both of which you are capable of. Good luck on your journey!
“Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.” ~ Benjamin Spock
This article was also featured on the homepage of CloverQuotes. Enjoy!
it’s inspiring to know i’m not the only one going through the transition of analyses vs gut!
You are definitely not alone, noch!
I totally agree. Emotional matter should be addressed according to the heart, sould… and the gut :)
check this whole new story on why you should question, and not accept the norm on
this happens to all of us Deborah
thank you for making us feel that we are not alone :)
Thank you so much for the article. I’m going through a matter of the heart off late and have been busy analysing it. But this is the first time i’ve felt for any guy ( i’ve been very choosy and different ever since i left school!) We were friends for a long time and he was the only guy i had a crush on. He told me recently he loves me n I’ve decided to date him coz I’m not sure if I love him and I need to know him better. Throughout the time we were friends we never chatted about deeper things coz he’s not much of a philosophy fan. And now i’m wondering if he and I share the same values and if he’s really the guy who can keep me happy? I’ve been a very instinctive person but it feels like my gut is playing games with me in this case :( ( its only been a month since we confessed to each other about our feelings)
It’s hard to listen to your gut if it’s sending you mixed feelings. That puts you in a much rougher spot than in my case, where I had clear indications that something was wrong.
Again, logic and analysis aren’t always wrong, even in matters of the heart. If you are in an abusive relationship, you should get out, no matter what your “gut” tells you. So take time to listen to both sides if you’re getting mixed signals, and know that you’re doing the best you can with what you have right now.
I’m rooting for you and hoping everything turns out well.