Relationships & Love

I’ve been thinking lately about how there is a lot of interest in “finding” in our culture: finding the right mate, finding the right job, finding the right pair of shoes. There are endless articles, techniques, and ideas about how to find that right thing.

Much less attention is paid to staying, how to sustain the goodness of what you’ve found. How do we help good things continue to be good, over the long haul?

Staying with lots of resentments, with the feeling that you’ve settled, with a litany of complaints…all of that is easy, and it’s common.

Are you great at giving advice … but bad at taking it? Often, we’re great at seeing a solution for a friend, and we can easily spot the patterns and habits that friends fall into. It’s harder to get the same perspective on our own lives.

I know that I’ll often write blog posts of great advice which I’m not so good at following myself! Whether it’s about the importance of regular exercise, or the need for simplification, I don’t have a problem knowing what I should be doing … but it can be much harder to actually do it.

Perhaps you always feel that you are always an exception or a special case. You have no problem telling your friends that they should take time for themselves, or that they should love their body just the way it is … but somehow, you find it a lot harder to convince yourself of that.

In this day and age, it’s quite apparent that people are connecting everywhere. From the local pub to the cafe across the street, from the stands at the little league baseball field to one of the seemingly infinite number of online chat rooms, people are constantly connecting with each other.

Gone are the days of never talking to strangers. Gone are the days when people proclaimed that all chat rooms are dangerous. Gone are the days when your social circle was limited to your coworkers around the water cooler.

Thanks to our advances in communication, we can connect with whomever we want from wherever we want. If you so choose, you can have friends from all over the world while never stepping foot outside your front door (editor’s note: not recommended).

Imagine waking up, greeting one positive person, receiving an e-mail from a person passionate about what they are doing, then sending an e-mail to a person about something you are passionate about, before you go about your other activities. A daily experience like this is not out of the realm of your potential routine. Getting to a point like this involves adjusting who you interact with, and approaching the people you don’t want to interact with, but have to, through a new mindset.

First, I want to preface this by saying this isn’t meant to create a pseudo-reality that is separate from the one others are in. At the same time, there are some who are in a state of growth who are positive to be around, and promote your good health and low stress, and there are some who have a negative demeanor, with little to no concern for you, who will likely only end up raising your blood pressure and stress levels. I often point out that personalities are fairly fixed in place, so the same person that causes you unnecessary stress today is very likely the one who will do so at some time in the future.

“True friendship is like sound health, the value of it is seldom known until it is lost.” -Charles Caleb Colton

When somebody says “best friend,” who is the first person to pop into your head? Is it your spouse, your next door neighbor, or even your own pet?

What if no one pops into your head?

“Love, love changes everything … Nothing in the world will ever be the same.” ~ from Andrew Lloyd Weber’s “Aspects of Love”

The black jeep drives out of the Denny’s parking lot in Gallup, New Mexico, my daughter Guinevere waving from the back seat. It turns south on Muñoz Drive, then west on I-40 on its way back to Sedona, Arizona.

For ten minutes, I sit numbly in my car, unable to turn the key in the ignition and follow Muñoz to I-40’s eastbound ramp, for the two-and-a-half-hour trip home to Albuquerque. When I do, it’s a long time before I can turn on the radio or call a friend, the two distractions that often ease long drives for me.