Personal Change

How Controlling Ourselves Can Help Change Others

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For eight years, I believed that I could transform my ex-husband into someone else. I encouraged him, coached him, cheered him…anything in my power to change him into what I viewed as his full potential. Even though he constantly asked for my help, the truth was, he never put his full heart into it. I wanted him to change much more than he did, and I was so blind by my mission that I never accepted him for who he was. Not surprisingly, this conflict contributed to the end of our marriage.

We want to believe that we are a positive force for change, both in our lives and in those around us. We see role models accomplishing this all the time. Great teachers can mold young minds. Great philanthropists can provide opportunities to those who have none. But just because you want others to change doesn’t mean you control them. In the end, it is up to each individual to live his own life.

So while we can’t control others, there are things in our control that may influence others to change for the better:

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How Finding My True Potential Changed My Life

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Many of us go through our lives, never really knowing what we want to do and we simply live in a way that suits others. We may conform to what’s expected of us rather than making our own choices. We may get to a point where we start to question what our true potential really is and whether we’ve lived up to that potential.

Growing up I was always a very awkward looking child. Tall, skinny and rather introverted, I lacked confidence and self-belief, especially in the classroom where my grades were certainly below average. I was a very shy child. I still remember that I would regularly hide behind my Mother’s long dress whenever she stopped to talk to people on the way to school. I still don’t quite know what I was hiding from, perhaps the possible embarrassment of being talked to by one of my Mother’s friends.

Despite being a rather awkward looking child I had a passion from a young age. That passion was fitness. I would try almost any sport. I particularly loved running and I would literally run everywhere I could. The feeling I got from exercising was like nothing else. We lived opposite the park and my Mother would let me play football with friends there after school. I wasn’t a very good footballer as it happened, but I still loved it. I was a fast runner and when I got the ball my long legs made it hard for others to catch up with me.

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Coming Out of the Closet: How I Guided People Through My BIG Change

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jeffery straker

I grew up in a small rural town on the prairies of Canada – the town had about 300 people in it. I knew I was ‘different’ while in school but I didn’t actually know I was gay until university. I did my 3rd year of studies over in the UK and that’s when it all started to make sense. When you’re in a different country, all of a sudden you inherit the ability to re-invent and it was magical.

Back in Canada and all done university, I had moved to Toronto for a job I had at the time and was traveling back to the prairies to visit family from time to time. I had come out of the closet in my Toronto life but hadn’t really told anyone back at home on the prairies – it was easy not to, as they were so far away. I had experienced the art of telling people I was gay in Toronto but there was something about telling your parents and closest childhood friends that was a bit terrifying, I have to admit.

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30 Lessons Learned From 30 Years of Change

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30 lessons

As I write this post, I was brought into this world 30 years ago today.

Even though 30 is apparently the new 20, and some days I feel like my real life is just starting to get interesting, I find myself reflecting on the experiences of the last 30 years, and all of the lessons I’ve managed to learn along the way.

So here they are, (well 30 of them at least) categorized to help readability, but in no particular order of importance.

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Dealing with the Calm Before the Storm

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calm before the storm

As I write this, I am less than two weeks away from the birth of my second child. Life as I know it now will be dramatically different once the new child is born. In some ways, I will re-learn what it means to be a parent, as all children are different. My expectations will break and reform as I navigate the world of raising both a toddler and an infant. I will need to help my elder daughter cope with this dramatic transition. I have no idea when I’m supposed to sleep during all of this. There’s only one thing I know for certain: things will change, and not always in the way I expect them.

I call these periods before dramatic change the “calm before the storm.” We’ve all experienced them. Leaving for college, changing jobs, coping with relationship changes, and many other situations can create these little pockets of borrowed time. There are two general facets to dealing with them: “enjoy your last moments of familiarity” vs. “prepare yourself for change.”

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Are You Impatient For Change?

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impatient

Are you impatient for change? I’m not surprised. We live in a society that first tells us we are not enough and then teaches us that change is easy, quick and available right now.

We’re bombarded by quick-fixes, and we reach for them: medicine that’ll get us back on our feet again; the shiny car that’ll solve all our problems; the must-read book that will reveal a new us and the higher paying job that’ll turn the world from black to gold. Society tells us it knows how to fix us. And we want to believe it – it’s easier to absolve responsibility for ourselves and our lives, than have to deal with the fact that we hurt, we long and that’s messy and might take time and trouble to sort out.

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Embracing a Path of Personal Choice

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In the back of my old barn in Northern Italy, there’s a field.

During the summer, it fills up with bristly weeds of a seemingly infinite variety and color, with flowers and thistles and thorns. I have to beg my husband not to grab the weed-whacker and take the whole thing down. An ancient rosemary plant has attached itself to the 200 year old stone wall of the barn; next to it a sage bush has grown to the size of a small car.

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This Story Doesn’t End the Way You Think It Will

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this story

I reached up and rubbed my eyes. The glare from the screen stung them fiercely and I was developing an epic crick in my neck. I had redesigned this poster maybe 10 – 15 times. I put the final touches on it, printed it out, and took it to be approved. “It looks too sad,” she said to me with the calm demeanor of a Zen master.

“But the event is about medical professionals that need relief from stress and grief. I used this picture because I thought they would identify with a picture of a doctor who looks worn out.” I replied. “I understand that, but it still looks too sad.” That was all she had to say. I knew there was no point in arguing with her further. Once she made up her mind it wasn’t worth arguing about. So, I went back to my desk and started to work on a new revision.

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Changes You Refuse To Accept

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Twice in my life I’ve had unwanted, seismic change forced on me. The first was when I had a breakdown aged 30; a breakdown that left me without a clue who I was or where I was, and that unravelled my patterns of thought so fundamentally that I was unable to understand the simplest conversations.

The second was when I was diagnosed with M.E./CFS in 2008, a chronic, incurable illness that’s with me right now. They were changes of the worst kind; unwanted, unwelcome and, at first glance, unacceptable.

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Dad, Show Us How to Change

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dad show us

Fathers can show their children how to change by pursuing their own emergence. But my dad did not know that we are emergent beings in an emergent universe. He didn’t know that our assignment in life is to grow and develop. To emerge. To change.

Dad never spoke about wanting to change anything about himself. He almost never spoke to me about wanting me to change. Dad never changed, so he didn’t give me a model for addressing my weaknesses, for turning personal difficulties into opportunities to learn, or for examining one’s life.

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